DBSA Omaha New Hope

So where do we meet difficult people?  We can run into difficult people at holiday gatherings, or at work or maybe even at the grocery store. So what might make them difficult?  They could show traits of being rude or aggressive. But try and keep in mind that maybe that person is just having a bad day. 

So, how might we spot these people?  

There are some signs and red flags. Others may be avoiding them, and their public image may be different than how they are in private. Difficult people may try and demean you and not respect your boundaries. They may lie to you, and if they are a bully they may be abusive to you.   

So, how can minimize our interaction with them, without sacrificing our mental health?  

Try to keep things logical without being emotional. And remember it takes two people to argue. And don’t drink alcohol around difficult people, as it will make you more vulnerable.  Try and focus on them in the conversation, and maybe change the topic, and re-direct the conversation elsewhere. 

And learn to give up the dream that they will someday be the person you want them to be. Don’t try to get them to see things your way. 

If things get too intense, try and create a distraction.  Pets and babies are always a great distraction! 

Or maybe try and make your interactions around entertainment, creating something that absorbs their attention and changes the subject.

Or maybe you can reach out to them and tell them you’re sorry that they are upset.  Maybe you can seek some common ground with them?  Or ask that person what can we do to solve your differences?

You can also try to role play with someone when you are about to see that difficult family member.

And try to meet in a neutral space, and schedule something after so that you have a built in exit plan.

But most importantly of all, practice self-care and look out for yourself. 

So, how, in that terrible moment do we summon the strength to be found?  To pick ourselves up and make that call and get help.

This is where practice comes in.  While they may seem small, trivial and unrelated, here are a few mental exercises you can do safely that will build your strength to face your fire.

1. Pick a day and focus on an important task.  Shut out all outside influences until you have finished.  Focus and train your brain to follow your commands.  As it must when the fire is burning down your house.
2. Pick a day and be nothing but positive.  No snarky comments, nothing negative.  Not even joking with friends.  Everything is a compliment, everything is positive.  It’s really hard for most of us! Especially me.
3. Take a day off from the internet.  No FB, no Instagram, no tick tock, no X.  Completely off the net.  Completely free from outside influences and ideas.  Allow you to be purely you.  Live the day in your own place and that very moment, free from the influence of the rest of the world.
4. Have a day of mindfulness.  A day for yourself and your soul.
5. For a day, actively question your actions.  “Why do I do this this way, why do I like this show, this food….”  You might be surprised at some of the answers.  We do a lot of things out of habit that perhaps if we think about it, are no longer fun, or no longer good for ourselves.
6. For a day, delay your responses.  Take a breath and think through your answer, rather than blurt it out.  Your real, thoughtful self might surprise you. 
7. Focus an entire day on compassion and forgiveness.  Make this day about everyone except yourself. Show your caring side to others and let the past be in the past.
8. Go 24 hours without complaining about anything.  Just positivity in your thoughts.
9. Go 24 hours without using your dominate hand.  Get your brain out of autopilot.
10. Go 24 hours speaking only in questions.  No opinions, just listen to responses.
11. And most importantly, as homework tonight: Think about others.  Go down your list.  Mom, Dad, husband, wife, kids, sister, brother, friends, co workers, even your dog or cat.  Picture their lives without you in it.  Watch your life for the times you make a difference to someone.  My son Josh is still deeply effected by the loss of a close classmate in high school.    
12. Every time I walk into this building, I think of Bo.       Right now, my friend Howard is holding on because he has no one to care for his dog if he lets his fire consume him.  Do this when you are strong.  Think long and hard about the impact you have on others every day.  Think about how you would make them feel, how you would change their lives.  You are important, to the people around you and yourself, and the fire will lie to you, telling you, you are not. Do not believe it!                                        
13. By doing these exercises, you are building a defense for when all seems lost.  Write your list of people down.  Write what you think their lives would be like should your fire win. Do this now, so in that dark moment, you can read your rational self to the fire, and maybe, just maybe, that dark moment will see a glimpse of light. And that glimpse of light, can make all the difference.

This last Thursday, our friend Corey presented for us.  He shared with us his presentation on “Anxiety “

Unfortunately anxiety is one of those topics we can all relate to. Corey shared that there are different types of anxiety, such as GAD( general anxiety disorder).  There is also panic disorder. And anxiety can be moderate or severe, depending on the person.  Anxiety may also cause long lasting symptoms. 

Anxiety can also cause insomnia, trembling, and sometimes you may have trouble concentrating.  And sometimes when you are experiencing anxiety you may find yourself focusing too much on the future.  

During the discussion on anxiety, someone mentioned that box breathing is a technique that you can use that may help to calm you and reduce your anxiety.

Box breathing is a relaxation technique where you inhale , hold your breath, exhale , and hold again, each for a count of four , forming a “box” pattern.

Connecting with others in a similar situation, such as experiencing anxiety, may be helpful for you.  It’s also important to make sleep a priority in your life, which may help you handle your anxiety a little better.

This last Thursday, Haley shared with us her reminder of how important it is that we have a current and updated Safety Plan.  A safety plan is used to make sure that you are ready to handle a mental health crisis.  She shared that your plan should be updated about every six months.  Remember that if you are having a crisis, your brain may not be working very well during that time. 

When a good safety plan is put together , you should be able to use each one of the steps in your plan to help yourself get through a crisis. 

It’s important to keep your plan updated, as your warning signs that you are in a crisis can change over time.  Haley shared that you can create a special code word that you can share with those who you may ask for help from during a crisis.  You can then advise those people on your list of contacts that if you call them at any time and you should mention that code word, that should let them know you’re going through a crisis. 

She also handed out a safety plan form where we could fill out this important information. 

Some of the questions on this form that should be a part of your safety plan were:

1) Write three warning signs that a crisis may be developing.

2) Write three internal coping strategies that can take your mind off of your problems.

3) Who/What are three people or places that provide distraction.

4) Who can you ask for help?  ( write name/place and phone numbers)

5) List professionals or agencies you can contact during a crisis.

6) Write out a plan to make your environment safer.  ( write two things)

     If you don’t already have a safety plan in place, it’s important that we all have one completed and at the ready should a mental health crisis arise.  I am working on rewriting mine again as we speak. 

This last Thursday, Miriam shared with us her presentation entitled “ Living Life in the Digital World “

Miriam shared with us her thoughts on how AI ( artificial intelligence) and the digital world may have an impact on our mental health.

She shared that AI can be positive, negative or neutral.  AI is a tool that can be used in a positive way. It can simulate empathy, but it can also lack good judgment.

Some of the things that AI will tell you may be true, but it can also try to just please you rather than be accurate.

AI may have a negative impact on you, and try to make you happy.  And it will say what it already knows about you. But be careful as it may also co-ruminate with you and create a false sense of empathy.  It may be so much easier to use AI than to understand it. 

Don’t put too much faith into what you get back from AI.  Miriam shared with us that one time when she was using AI she had to ask a question fifteen different ways before she got the right answer.

Sometimes AI will have too much info, which can increase your anxiety and stress. You may start to feel manipulated or dependent on AI, which is not good if you are someone who has trouble making decisions.

AI may also reduce the human connection and can reduce your attention span.  Tonight’s presentation was very informative and helpful in understanding AI just a little bit more.  AI is slowly being introduced into my work environment at my job and this information will help me navigate AI a little bit better.  

This last Thursday, Kirk shared his presentation on PTSD.   ( Post traumatic stress disorder).  Kirk shared a little bit of history on PTSD.  It was during the First World War that what is now known as PTSD was diagnosed for the first time by a psychiatrist.  It was during World War One that is was referred to as Shell Shock.  Shortly after the Vietnam War it became known as PTSD. 

Ten years ago a friend of Kirk’s was brutally murdered around Memorial Day. It was after this event that Kirk began to experience PTSD symptoms.  Kirk talked to his Pastor at the time who suggested Kirk get some help. 

Kirk started attending support groups such as DBSA and NAMI which he said were a tremendous help to him when dealing with PTSD.  

So, what are some of the symptoms of PTSD? 

-intrusive memories 

– pacing the floor 

– lots of risky behavior 

– Kirk said for awhile he would move every two years 

– maybe you will find yourself avoiding certain areas when driving 

     These are just some of the symptoms of PTSD.  Kirk shared that after moving to Colorado for a short time, while living there the police notified him that they did finally find the killer of his friend.

So, if you are someone who is experiencing PTSD, like Kirk had mentioned support groups are a wonderful source to help you get through the trauma.

Or you may want to try talk therapy with a therapist if you don’t already do so.

Kirk suggested that possibly meditation or grounding techniques may also help you to cope.

I would like to thank Kirk for his bravery in sharing this very personal story.

This past Thursday, Don shared with us his blog entitled “ The Truth “

Don shared that his presentation for the night was all about our truth inside.

That there are facts and then there are truths.  A fact is a thing that is known to be true. Facts are something that are verifiable and that ninety nine percent of society would agree on.  And we all have our own truths that are un-disputable.  A truth can be a perceived fact as seen through a lens, a lens formed by life experiences.

Don also spoke a little bit about living with integrity, and not settling for less than what we deserve. We have all learned about the importance of living a life of self-care.  Our DBSA group meetings on Thursday nights are an important part of our self-care.  Don mentioned what I thought was a very true statement. He said that loving others in our lives is a choice, but loving yourself is a responsibility.  Love that statement!

And there is a reason we limit any discussions about politics or religion. It is because we are here to speak our truths about our lived experiences.  

Don spoke a little bit about boundaries.  Our boundaries can be in place to shield ourselves from this imperfect world.  Don said parts of his boundaries are that he does not discuss politics with others and does not engage others on social media.  Our nation is more divided than ever. So rather than follow the masses, learn to be your authentic self.  Lying or not living your own truth only splinters your soul. 

On Thursday September 25th, I shared my most recent presentation entitled “ Letting Go and Forgiving “ 

Forgiveness can mean different things to each of us. In general, it’s basically a decision to let go of resentment and thoughts of revenge you may have towards someone. 

Forgiveness might be hard when you feel that the person who hurt you doesn’t really deserve our forgiveness. 

However, probably the most important thing to remember about forgiveness is that it will allow you to let go of that negative connection you have with them. And then at that point, you can move on and focus more on your own life. Just try and remember, “that forgiveness benefits the forgiver more than the one who’s been forgiven “.

Forgiveness does not mean you accept what happened.  

Acceptance means acknowledging that you cannot control the past. If you choose to let go of your urge to control the past, it will help you take control over your future. Remember, you can accept what someone has done to you, without excusing it. Which reminds me of my favorite Maya Angelou quote;

“ I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. “ 

Maybe we need to try and look at Forgiveness not as a decision, but more like an attitude, or a habit. 

Learn to embrace how unique our own road to forgiveness truly is. 

Write a letter…if you really want to avoid meeting in person with someone person you’ve forgiven, maybe writing a letter to that person might be a better way to show how you’re feeling. With a letter you get to share how you are feeling, without being interrupted. It gives you the chance to say what you need to say. A letter can be a great way to offer forgiveness to someone who you don’t want to resume contact with. You can even write the letter without sending it, and send it later or not at all. Just the act of writing the letter will help you feel better. 

Something very important to remember; If you let resentment or bitterness control your life, you only give the one who hurt you power. Never give them this. Never give them the power! 

Be kind to yourself..if you tend to criticize yourself for not being able to let go of a hurtful situation, then you need to try and show yourself some kindness and more compassion. As Miriam always says, treat yourself as you would treat a friend. Show yourself some kindness when you are hurt. 

Most importantly, allow peace to enter your life once you have forgiven someone.

On Thursday September 11, Don shared with us his presentation entitled “ I Believe “

Don began by sharing that we all have our own beliefs.  The truths that Don believes may not be your own beliefs, but these beliefs are true according to Don.  We all have our own sets  of values and beliefs. 

Knowing and living your own beliefs may be difficult, but it is a way to your true self. And an alignment of your own beliefs will help you get through many of life’s storms. 

Don also had us participate in an exercise about finding your authentic self. He handed out a sheet with a title of “ Fast Values Exercise “ at the top. 

There were approximately 93 choices on this list, and our job was to choose and circle all of the words that most appropriately described us. 

And then we had to choose our top five words that described us best. 

My chosen top five words were Family, knowledge, Spirituality, mindfulness, and thoughtfulness.  

I love presentations such as this, that really make us stop and think about what we value and to also learn more about ourselves.  And most importantly to remind ourselves of the many gifts we each have that we can also share with others. 

This past Thursday, our fearless leader Miriam shared with us her presentation entitled “ Family Events “

She began by asking us to share a word that would describe how you feel at family events.  Some of the words shared were hopeful, scared, and anxious.

Or maybe we even have bad memories of the Holidays last year. 

Miriam shared that she visited her Mom last Summer in July.  She was a little anxious about visiting her Mom and family,  but to her surprise everyone got along and it all worked out.  So, when we have these visits with our families, what if it all works out?  

Miriam gave us different ways that we can have a better family event.  There are ways that you can prepare in advance for your defense.

1) Identify your triggers, and prepare for them.

2) Set realistic expectations.  Find little moments of joy that can supersede the negative things.

3) Establish and communicate boundaries.

4) Plan a self-care strategy for when you start to feel anxious.

5) Arrange an exit strategy for your departure.  Remember it’s okay to walk away from people who are not treating you well.

6) Find an ally.   Find someone who you do like and have a good conversation.

7) Use effective communication.

8) Practice active listening.

9) Try to focus on the moments of joy.

10) Reflect on what went well and what did not go well.

And finally, practice self-compassion and be kind to yourself.  

Miriam gave us great helpful tips and advice for when we get together with our families.  I for one will try and use some of this information the next time I am with my family!