DBSA Omaha New Hope

Last Thursday October 19th, we were treated to Don’s latest presentation, with a Halloween appropriate title “ The Masks we Wear”

Don began by sharing that Halloween’s origin began as an ancient Celtic holiday , with the wearing of masks. He also reflected that as recently as a couple years of years ago, we were all wearing masks due to the pandemic, which gave us a place to hide. Now things are much different.

     But many of us do wear masks every day of the year for many reasons.  Don shared wearing a mask is like putting your armor on every day, covering and protecting yourself emotionally just to get through the day.  And we may choose to let our masks down only when alone or with our friends. 

     So what is a mask? A traditional definition is ; a covering used to protect ourselves. Masks can be emotional.  They may be a false front, as sometimes we build false fronts and hide behind them to get through the day. These emotional masks can protect us from the cruelty of the world. 

Types of Masks…

1) Identity mask…this mask is used to hide who we really are from others. This mask can also be a better one to use for conflict avoidance, or for survival. When wearing this mask, you may find that the real you will try to come out.

2) Emotional mask….this mask will usually hide how we are realistic feeling. This may be a mask that you started wearing, if you grew up in a family that would hide their feelings. Don related that his wife Miriam grew up in a very talkative family, whereas Don’s family was the very opposite. The emotional mask can help you get through difficult situations. If you happen to be going through something difficult, sometimes you need to let the emotions flow. It is possible to overuse an emotional mask. Sometimes we need to process our emotions to get to inner peace.  Remember, your emotions will always find a way around your mask you are wearing. 

3) Situational mask…..different situations may require a different mask. Such as giving a presentation at our Thursday night group. Or when you are meeting a new person for the first time. This type of mask will help you adjust to the situation you’re in.  It’s also important to assess the situation you’re in so you are wearing the appropriate mask. 

What are some things that all masks have in common?

– all of these masks serve a function 

– they help protect you from ill-intentioned people 

– wearing a mask is one way of setting boundaries. Sometimes it can be healthy to keep new people you meet at an arm’s length until you get to know them. 

There are also some reasons to shed your mask;

1) shedding your mask will help you to live up to your potential 

2) we often mask special parts of us that we should share with others 

3) relief..it can be exhausting to wear a mask all the time. You may not be living an authentic life if you’re always wearing a mask 

4) healing…when wearing a mask, we carve a piece of ourselves out. And we can’t be healed in life unless we feel all the feels and never hold back.

How do we remove our masks?  If we remove our masks, you may get to know yourself better. We need to be willing to take risks and live our lives fully. And don’t pull your mask partially off and let the world scare you. 

Remember being maskless requires courage, but will ultimately reveal the person we truly are. 

On Thursday October 12th, Don shared with us his presentation entitled “ Stuck in the Moment “

Don began by sharing that it has been a weird year for he and Miriam. With his son Josh moving home, and his continued health issues, and now the loss of Miriam’s job. He shared with us that loss seems to be overtaking his family right now. 

Sometimes when what is going on around us seems to be too much for you to process emotionally in that moment, you may shut down. But we have to go on. The world is suddenly different and we must adjust to it while we work through all the feels. In this moment, You likely are in a mild to severe state of shock. And it will take a while for that to go away. 

So how do we get unstuck? Don shared with us that Classic psychology lists there are five phases of grief.  The first one is Denial.  This helps us minimize the overwhelming pain of loss. As we process the reality of our loss, we are also trying to survive emotional pain. It can be hard to believe we have lost an important person or thing in our lives, especially when we may have just spoken with this person the previous week or even the previous day. 

Don gave us a few examples of this type of denial: 

 If you’re facing the death of a loved one, you might find yourself fantasizing someone will call to say there’s been a mistake and nothing really happened. • If you’re dealing with a breakup, you might convince yourself your partner will soon regret leaving and come back to you. • If you lost your job, you might feel your former boss will offer you the position back. But you wake up the next day and what happened is what happened. 

When this happens to you, for the first 24 hours: Remember to eat, Get some sleep, and maybe even cry. Don’t forget to rely on others, your family, your friends, someone from our support group. 

Don shared with us a quote that I really loved. “ Remember: You are not a failure just because you had a failure.”

The second stage of grief is Anger.

 Feeling intensely angry might surprise you or your loved ones.  But Don tells us it’s not uncommon. This anger serves a purpose. During the anger stage of grief, you might start asking questions like “Why me?” or “What did I do to deserve this?” You could also feel suddenly angry at inanimate objects, strangers, friends, or family members. You might feel angry at life in general. 

The next stage of grief is Bargaining. Bargaining is a stage of grief that helps you hold on to hope in a situation of intense pain. This is perhaps the time where you are least rational about what has happened, but you still really want the outcome to change. You might think to yourself that you’re willing to do anything and sacrifice everything if your life is restored to what it was

Phase 4 of grief is Depression.

During our experience of processing grief, there comes a time when our imaginations calm down and we slowly start to look at the reality of our present situation. Bargaining May no longer feel free like an option. 

We are faced with what is happening, and we start to feel the loss more.  As our panic begins to subside, the emotional fog begins to clear and the loss feels more present. 

In these depressive moments,  we may pull inward as the sadness grows. We might find ourselves retreating, being less sociable, and reaching out less to others about what we are going through.  Dealing with depression after the loss can be extremely isolating. 

And finally the stage of Acceptance. 

We all fail at some point. Failure happens to everyone.  It is a “normal” part of life. Not pleasant, but normal. But for us it tends to stay with us more . 

 Acceptance is more about how you acknowledge the losses you’ve experienced, how you learn to live with them, and how you readjust your life accordingly. 

So, how do we actually help ourselves get through loss? One of the things you will find yourself doing as you progress through the steps we have talked about is questioning yourself.  So, here are some common questions you may have.

 1. ‘I am doing it wrong’

When it comes to healing from a loss, there’s no correct way of doing it. You might find it useful to remind yourself there’s no “I should be feeling this

2. ‘I should be feeling…’ Not everyone experiences all the above-mentioned stages or even goes through these emotions the same way. For example, maybe the depression stage feels more like irritability than sadness for you. Your healing experience is unique and while different from someone else’s, it is your mind and body telling you what you need to heal.

 3. ‘My stages are not in the right order!’ Remember, there’s no specific or linear order for the stages of grief. You could move along the stages one by one, or you could go back and forth. Some days you might feel very sad, and the very next day you could wake up feeling hopeful. 

4. ‘It’s taking too long’ Some people navigate through grief in a few days. Others take months or longer to process their loss. There is no timeline, there are no deadlines to your process. 

5. ‘I’m depressed’. That may well be.  But, going through the stages of grief, particularly the depression stage, isn’t equivalent to clinical depression. There’s a distinction between having clinical depression and grieving. Think of grief depression as having a really bad series of days or weeks and clinical depression is a disease that needs to be treated.

 So, How do we unstick ourselves from this painful moment? We must actually believe the past is what we evaluate and learn from but do not live in. Accept that failure on some level has happened.

Accept that failure on some level has happened and ask yourself: What part of this was me? What part of this were the circumstances? Of the things I could control, what can I do better next time? 

And through all of this, remember, you are strong. Just being at group on Thursday’s means you know how to reach out for help.

Make an action plan. The plan you come up with will just be a start. You can make needed changes along the way. So you don’t have to make the perfect plan. But you do have to make it today, and you do have to start working it. 

Realize while today is painful, tomorrow does not have to be. Tomorrow is all about hard work and faith. Work to make the changes you need to make on yourself so at least you do not fail in the same way again. And Faith. Faith in whatever you believe in, but most importantly faith in yourself. You have to sometimes believe in a better tomorrow even though you can’t see it right away.

You are stronger than you know. You can handle it, even when you feel like you can’t.  Most of grief is short term, so do your best to keep it together. You are stronger than you know. Be gentle with yourself. Grief can be exhausting and draining. Care for your body during periods of intensive stress. Carve out time for naps, eat nourishing foods, and drink plenty of water. 

Remember nothing is ever really lost. People that are important to you live on in your mind and will come to you when you need them the most. And remember, after all of this, no matter how much you are hurting, you’re going to be okay! 

On Thursday September 28th, the President of our chapter Miriam shared with us her presentation entitled “ Schadenfreud” 

I have to admit when I saw the title of her presentation I was very curious what this was all about.

So, Miriam shared that Schadenfreud is “ the unattractive human tendency to take pleasure in the misery of others “ 

Now the opposite of this is called “ Freudenfreud” . Which is the enjoyment of another’s success. A feeling of happiness for and enjoyment in the success of others. 

Some examples of Schadenfreud; a bad guy may be hit by a bus and you may think “ they had it coming “ Or maybe you are watching figure skating and one of your least favorites falls down, and you find yourself laughing and enjoying that. Schadenfreud may have at its roots some jealousy. It may also be because you caused the misfortune, or maybe you made a hurtful remark that made others laugh. This type of behavior may even border on bullying. 

Whereas Freudenfreud cultivates positive empathy for others, and the ability to experience someone else’s positive emotions. It helps to propel kind acts and helping others. It can even foster resilience.  It can even help improve your own life satisfaction. 

But, Freudenfreud doesn’t come easily, especially if you were raised to equate winning with self worth.  You may see someone else’s victory as your own personal shortcoming. Your own mental health may even get in the way of you being able to participate in someone else’s joy. 

So, how do we practice Freudenfreud? 

Try asking questions about another person’s joy. Ask them to describe their experience. Maintain eye contact and listen attentively. Remember happiness can flourish when you make a heartfelt effort to engage in a positive activity. 

View another’s success as a communal effort. Remember no one gets to the top alone. It can be especially moving when someone else succeeds. It lifts us all up.

Remember we don’t have to wait for joy, we can actively seek it out. It doesn’t mean you’ll never cheer against a villain again, but being able to reach for happiness is beneficial. Celebrating our friend’s successes will help us all triumph! 

On Thursday September 14th, our leader Don tried out something a little different for our Thursday night meeting. We started out the first hour of the night’s meeting by having our sharing hour first. We were split up into smaller groups, and written on paper each group was given a “ situation “.  Our goal in each group was to come up with solutions for these specific situations.

My group had a fictional character, who went by the name of Tex. We were told that Tex was being rather difficult, and needed to be “ put in his place “

So, the task of our group was to come up with a few ideas. 

Some of our ideas were; maybe we needed to be direct with Tex, and in a diplomatic way “ put him in his place “  We also thought about ignoring Tex, and hoping he would take the hint and learn from the experience. Or we also thought about calling him out in front of others, and re-directing the focus back on Tex.

The format of group tonight was a nice change of pace. I really enjoyed it.  I felt like it challenged those of us who were there to come up with solutions to everyday situations we may run across. Maybe even taking us out of our comfort zone for awhile.  Broadening our horizons you could say! 

Thanks to Don for this uniquely challenging idea! 

On Thursday September 7th, I shared with our group my most recent presentation entitled “ The Importance of Structure in our Lives “ 

I began by sharing that I remember a time a few years ago, when I was struggling with my mental health. When thinking about it, the one common factor that contributed to my struggles back then, was a lack of structure in my life. I feel that structure is probably one of the most important parts of staying mentally healthy. 

Why is structure so important?

-A regular structure in your life can create a sense of control that can reduce stress levels, and you’ll feel more in control of your time.

– Having some structure helps to fight back against anxiety, because you start focusing more on your daily routine and improving yourself, and less on the feelings of anxiety. 

– Structure helps you to stay focused and to get things done 

– Structure is also necessary to create stability in your

How to structure your days when you struggle with anxiety ;

 1) Start out by waking up at the same time daily. Think about three things you’re grateful for before getting out of bed. 

2) Pick three things from your to-do-list. Nothing can make anxiety worse than a long list of things you have to get done. Instead, pick 3 things from your list that you can get done that day. This helps you keep up with things without getting overwhelmed. Or if you’re really having a difficult day, choose just one item on your to do list to complete.

 3) Set a strict sleep schedule. Sleep is very important in our mental and physical health. Work on getting between 7-9 hours per night. Try and go to bed and wake up at the same time each day. Remember that the right amount of sleep will help keep your mood stay elevated throughout the day. This will also help keep your anxiety levels low. 

4) Slowly add new things into your routine. There are a lot of things you can start doing daily that will help with anxiety and depression. Such as: working out, eating anxiety reducing foods, reading a good book, walking, and journaling. Taking small steps is a great way to add new things into your routine. Start by doing it for 5 minutes a day, then the following week increase it to 10 minutes per day. 

5) Take it one day at a time…learning to take things one day at a time helps you to stay mindful and keeps you more in the moment. It also takes the pressure off. Try to enjoy the process as you are building up a new structure for your life. Focus on today, and remember what you are grateful for. 

6) Push yourself, but don’t overdo it. Work on putting yourself out there, just pull back before you reach the point of hating something so much that you never want to do it again. 

Routine….there are many benefits of having a routine. 

There are things that you can include in your daily routine that will help manage your stress levels:

– try and stay active and get regular exercise 

– making sure you’re well rested 

– when setting goals, make sure they are realistic 

– Remember to try and stay positive 

– It’s very important to stay in touch with family and friends, by texting at the very minimum!

– Set aside some time for things in life that you enjoy.

Making a list….. One idea that may help is to make a daily list of things you want to accomplish. Every night when I am getting ready for bed, I make my to do list for the next day. For me, there is something about the physical act of writing things down that seems to motivate me to get those things completed the next day. Include everything on this list from things you need to complete for your job, to household chores that must be done. 

There are a couple of things you can do on a Sunday night to get ready for the upcoming week

On Sunday, try going for a walk. This is a great way to clear your head for the upcoming week. 

This is an important one…plan something fun for yourself! Maybe going out to dinner with friends, a movie night, maybe even a concert for one of your favorite performers. Make it something you can get excited about! 

 Write down anything that’s bothering you…before you nod off to sleep, try journaling or writing down anything that you’re worried about. This will also help you go to bed with a relaxed mind. In closing, when it comes to structure in our lives, about four years ago I honestly wasn’t very familiar with this terminology . But now that I attend DBSA meetings most every Thursday, I totally understand the importance of structure and have learned to understand what it means in our lives. Just coming to this group every week is an important piece of the much needed structure in my own life. And it’s an important part of the structure in your life as well.

On Thursday August 31st, facilitator Don shared with us his most recent presentation entitled “ Unwritten “  

Don began by sharing that each day when we wake up, we each have a chance at a new beginning.  It is what we do with that chance that is important.  Do we do something special with our day, and do something that will make our lives better? Or is it just another day?  How do we feel about today?  How do we feel about today? 

Don then went around the room and asked everyone to rate their day on a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the best. On this particular Thursday, my mood registered as a 7.  There were many 7’s and 8’s in the room, but there were some low scores as well. 

Don shared that our numbers today reflect the present. But many of us spend way too much time living in our past. We know this is not good for our mental health, but yet we can’t seem to move on.   

So, now Don went around the room and had us share our numbers from where we we were a years ago at this time.  I came up with an 8 for this time last year.

Don also shared his numbers with us for his life so far. 

We graphed these numbers, illustrating, for the most part, the ups and downs of a normal life. Don’s graph also showed a dangerously deep dip in his late 20’s. It was a sustained dark time in his life.

As Don shared, does anyone really know their future? We can plan, we can prepare, but who knows what tomorrow brings. Just look back a couple years. Could anyone have predicted 2020? 

Don shared that he is in a pretty good place right now.  Most days he is choosing a good path when that choice is available. But there are no guarantees what tomorrow brings. 

As Don shared, none of us can predict the future but we can see and learn from the past. While none of us are in complete control of tomorrow, our thoughts and actions today have a major effect on what most of our tomorrows look like.

We are at least co authors in the next chapter of our lives. Open your mind and your heart to the possibilities. Live your tomorrows to their fullest. Make that next chapter in the book of your life the best one yet.

And most of all, when faced with darkness, fight your way out. Don concluded by erasing his graph from age 30 forward, wiping out the best years of his life, and leaving us with the question.

What if….

What if the low point of your life is the end?

In Don’s case, it would have meant the best chapters of his book would have remained….

Unwritten

On Thursday August 17th,  facilitator Abigail shared with us her most recent presentation entitled “ Mind and Body, Body and Mind” 

Abigail began by asking us the question, who has heard the phrase “ the body keeps the score” ? 

She shared that it’s a phrase coined by a famous trauma focused psychiatrist Bessel Van Der Kolkata. 

The meaning…frequently for people with PTSD, their minds desperately try to leave trauma behind, but their bodies keep them trapped in the past. 

Abigail shared that the history of psychology has mostly been focused on our thoughts and feelings. It’s only been recently that researchers have started to explore the connection between our brains and our bodies. 

She also shared some thoughts on somatic experiencing by sharing a definition.  

Somatic…means relating to the body. So what happens in our bodies when we experience trauma? Why do our bodies keep the score? 

When we experience trauma and are exposed to things like violence and abuse, it creates an inner car alarm system inside us.  And this constructs a body that gets stuck in fight or flight, and eventually freeze. This happens whether the danger is real or just perceived. 

When this inner alarm is going off in our bodies, our bodies will then create and release a stress hormone called cortisol. Over time elevated release of stress hormones in our body can cause damage at a cellular level. 

A public health researcher by the name of Arline Geronimus, calls this process “weathering “ which she says” literally wears down your heart, arteries, and your neuroendocrine systems. 

Abigail also shared some details on Polyvagal Theory…..which is the theory of our nervous system and the science of safety. It’s the science behind our inner car alarm. Our central nervous system consists of two parts. The first is our brain and spinal cord. The other is our peripheral nervous system, which consists of nerves that connect the brain and spinal cord to the rest of the body. Our nervous system controls so many things, how we feel safe, and how we interact with the world. 

There is also Ventral vagal… a healthy nervous system has three levels of activation. The first, ventral vagal, is a state of us being grounded, connected to your body, calm, safe and open to learning new things. This is where we feel curious and open. 

The second state in polyvagal theory is our sympathetic nervous system. A lot of people have heard of this, because this is where you have fight or flight. When there’s danger or risk in our environment, our sympathetic nervous system kicks in, and we go into fight or flight. During a flight response we feel panic, fear, anxiety and worries. During a fight response, we feel frustration, irritation and anger. Our car alarm is is in full effect during this time. 

The third state is dorsal vagal…this is shut down mode. This is when we freeze. When we go into dorsal vagal we shut down, feel numb, collapsed and frozen. What’s happening in this state, is the threat of emotional disturbance is so great, and we have been fighting it for so long, we shut down. 

When we’re in Dorsal vagal, the feeling is “ I can’t “

Abigail shared that when she is in Dorsal vagal, is when she starts to isolate, she stops eating, she stops taking her meds, and stops showering. 

Sound like depression or disassociation? 

Abigail also shared a little bit about what happens in complex trauma, to the nervous system, when we get stuck in any of these phases. 

Our nervous systems can get damaged if over a long time an adult stays in fight or flight, and not able to feel safe or relaxed in their body. The nervous system becomes hard wired into hyperarousal.  It damages that person’s ability to tell the difference between real danger and perceived danger. 

A damaged nervous system looks like chronic anxiety, chronic depression, and chronic mental and physical health symptoms. It’s exhausting for the body to always be on high alert, and to never feel safe or relaxed. It’s been linked to cancer, heart attacks and stroke. 

The Body Keeps the Score…

Another sign of a damaged nervous system are emotional flashbacks.  This is also one of the signs of complex trauma.  An emotional flashback is something that happens when a trigger- either external or internal- brings you back to a time in your life where you felt powerless and helpless, and the body reacts and shuts down the same way.  What’s happening in those moments is the nervous system is taking in a stimulus, a stress response, and interpreting it as danger. 

Mentally a damaged nervous system can look like chronic anxiety, a hard time navigating emotions, and emotional regulation.  You might go back and forth between highs and lows and have a hard time finding that middle ground. 

You might go back and forth between hyper vigilant and really anxious and on edge, and crashing and feeling depressed and tired. 

A damaged nervous system will also impact our cognition, and we often can’t think clearly or make rational decisions. It affects our ability to make connections with others.  It impacts our emotional regulation and our ability to manage triggers. It’s a pretty big deal! 

Don’t let yourself feel bad for a second. Your nervous system has probably been working overtime for your whole life, compared to someone who hasn’t undergone the same adverse experience. 

Top down vs Bottom up therapy…

If you’re struggling with a damaged nervous system, how do you treat this?

Top down therapy focuses on how the mind interprets information. 

Bottom up therapy refers to therapy which targets the lower part of the brain,

which would include automatic emotional responses, subconscious core beliefs, and our defense survival strategies. Some of the most effective bottom up therapies are experiential therapies, where clients are guided to actually experience their emotional inner worlds in the therapy session. Such as EMDR, brain spotting, and somatic experiencing. 

One of the most common types of top down therapy is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. This is where you’re focusing on the link between your thoughts and behaviors and trying to question unbalanced thinking, and learn to form healthier thinking patterns. 

Finally, Abigail shared with us some tips if we may feel like we’re stuck in a sympathetic nervous state or in the middle of fight or flight. We will want to do our best to ground and connect with our body. 

She suggested the first step is to breathe. Breathing has a huge impact.

When we breath we want to inhale through our nose and we want to exhale longer than our inhale. If you’re inhaling for four seconds, your exhale should be for six seconds. 

The second tool you can employ is singing! I like this idea, as I currently sing in a choir every week. Singing or humming stimulates the vagus nerve. The vagus nerve when being stimulated has as one of it’s immediate effects the benefit of our heart rate slowing down very quickly.

Another great grounding tool is the 5 4 3 2 1 technique. This is where you find five things you can see, four things you can touch, three things you can hear, two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste. 

This type of technique is called orienting. 

Abigail shared that it took her ten years of trying and feeling stuck and working hard to heal her trauma. She shared that the best thing she has done for her recovery is to seek out a provider who understands trauma and practices somatic therapy. 

This was an amazing presentation from Abigail, leaving us plenty to think about! 

Last Thursday, our facilitator Kirk shared with us his most recent presentation entitled “ 100 Things “ 

Our friend Kirk began by sharing with us some ideas or concepts we can work on to improve our mental health.  He shared with us that there are things that he does in his own life to help him get through day to day living. Different ways to battle his own experiences with depression and anxiety. 

One of the most important tools in his toolbox are support groups, such as DBSA.  When attending support groups, you are sharing your life’s journey with others who are also experiencing their own mental health challenges. 

When you attend these support groups, you don’t have to worry about explaining yourself, as usually the others in attendance are also dealing with their own challenges. 

Kirk also shared that he started getting massages, which can sometimes increase serotonin and dopamine. He has also done acupuncture, which has been known to help with anxiety, depression and if you’re having irregular sleep patterns. 

Kirk has also tried hypnosis a few times, which has really been beneficial to him. Hypnosis has been known to instill confidence.  

He also believes in the power of positive affirmations. Remember “ you are what you think “ . 

Also, learn to forgive yourself, as this is very important. And try doing something nice for someone else. And if you know someone who seems to have all of the nice things in life, rather than being envious of that person, try flattering them. By flattering that person, you won’t feel as envious or jealous. 

If you’re finding yourself feeling a little overwhelmed from time to time, try indulging yourself every once in awhile. Maybe even treat yourself to some ice cream! 

Kirk talked a little bit about loneliness, and shared that it can be even more dangerous than smoking. It’s possible for loneliness to take a few years off your life. So, make it a habit to get out there and socialize, and stay connected with others. And most of all, practice gratitude. Try and name and write down the many things in your life that you are grateful for. It will make you feel better! 

As we go thru life, we all encounter many “last days”.  They are mileposts in our life.  Sometimes they are happy “last days” like the last days of high school.  Sometimes they are sad, like the last days of a loved ones life.  Sometimes they make us rethink our path.  Sometimes they are about the end of that path.

Today could be one of your last days.  Life comes with no guarantee that there will be a tomorrow, but what if, like so many times before, there is a tomorrow.  How do you want to live it?  What is important to you? What do you want to accomplish?  And when that last last day finally arrives, what do you want to be remembered for?  

Most importantly, if today was your last last day, are you the person you wanted to be?  Would others agree that you are that person?

And if you are not that person today, if given a tomorrow, what changes can you make to make yourself and others see you the way you want to be seen.  Remembered the way you want to be remembered?

If you are truly in a “last days” place, one of the things that happens almost automatically is reflection.  Some refer to this as your life flashing before your eyes.  For me, it really was not that effect but more of life happening in super slow motion. It isn’t so much your life flashing before your eyes as life slowing into a quiet private reflection, in a time of chaos or super high stress.

In that moment of pure panic and total uncertainty where does the mind go?

There are three things.

Did I live?

Did I love?

Did I matter?

So let’s take these one at a time.  When I think “did I live”, it is not the overly simplistic answer of “Why of course you did”  It is more of a question of degree. Not ”Did I live?”, but “Did I LIVE”. 

One of my favorite composers put it this way.  

It’s not how many years you live,

But how you fulfill the time you spend here. 

Did I just do enough to get by, or did I live each day with a purpose?  

Did I live each day to its absolute fullest?

This is not to say that every moment of every day must be 100% full speed toward doing as much as you can.  That would be too exhausting.  What living life to it’s fullest means to me is to have goals, drive toward them, but with the understanding that quiet time and rest is part of the process.  

Part of living your life to it’s fullest is to know yourself well enough that you know how to incorporate and recognize that rest and quiet time is a vital part of your life.

Planning and pacing your life, especially as you get older is everything.  Knowing when to step on the gas, and knowing when to apply the brakes. 

That said, now is the time to do, the time to go, the time to see.  Within your own limitations do not put off those bucket list items.  Over the past few years I have seen friends and loved ones wait too long to begin their tomorrow and now they can’t.  I do not want that to be me.  There are so many things I want to do still.  I want to live.

The second question: Did I love?

Again not the obvious answer.  Certainly I love my wife and son, but there is more.  There has to be more.  

The question really is “Did I love my life?”

This brings in everything.  My home life, my job, my activities, just everything.  

I think that I have recently reached a peace with my life.  I have sort of made a pact with myself.  If I do not love doing it, I don’t do it.  

Now this does not mean I live in nirvana and every moment is joy, bliss and love.  It means that overall, on most days, at most things, the good outweighs the bad.  Everyone has bad days, and I do too.  It is all about balance and realizing that to get every good thing, you have to put up with some bad.  To get to spend a month in Europe, you have to take a long uncomfortable flight.  To get to play on that stage and hear the people applaud makes the dreary rehearsals worthwhile.  To get up way too early way too often allows me to have a job that overall, I really do love.

“Did I love” can also mean “did I love myself”.  Did I treat myself with compassion and kindness.  Did I love myself enough that I did things primarily for myself.  Did I make those tough decisions in favor my authentic self, or did those decisions benefit others and harm me.  At the end of the day, we all go home with ourselves.  Do you love, and did you make decisions and actions that showed love, for that person in the mirror today?

And finally, “Did I matter?”

Well I have not composed symphonies or contributed much toward world peace, but I like to think at least, I’ve touched a few hearts.  

No huge accomplishments, but many little things do add up.  

Between family, my recording business, my work , and quite frankly, this group, I feel that when that day comes, I will leave this world a little bit better and a little bit happier than it was.  In short, I mattered.

In reality, all the last day is, is about turning the page and starting another chapter in your life.  And that is a choice every one of us can make each and every day.

It is about making a change.  It is about examining your life.  It is about asking yourself:  Am I living, am I loving, and do I matter. 

When you ask these questions, be brutally honest with yourself.  Could I live more fully, could I love my life and those in it more than now, and am I making the kind of difference to myself, my friends and family, and my community that really matters?  

Is this what I want out of life?

Can I be more?

If your answers fall short of your own expectations what changes are you going to make to better achieve those expectations?

About now I bet many of you are saying to yourself,

“I wish I could make changes, but I can’t change the number one thing that is causing my life to not be what I want it to be, my mental health.”  

And you are both right and wrong.  Yes, mental health conditions are what they are, but there are changes you can make to help you deal with them.  There is a whole bunch of things you can change that will help you to cope with your condition.  

You know, the things you do or do not do every day that help you deal with your life.  The things other people do not have to do.  All the stuff that you have surrounded your condition with to make it through the day.  

You can change these things and you can make the choice to make it happen.  Make the choice to help yourself to live more fully, to love your life, and to matter.

Staying on your medication, finding the right medication for you, talking about your issues, finding and keeping the right therapist.  Learning about yourself, what triggers you, and your condition.  Little life hacks that help.  What to avoid and what or who to embrace in times of trouble.  After all, isn’t that why you are here tonight?  Are you not making a choice right now by being here that you want a better life and hope that tonight, this group, in just a small way can help you achieve that?

These are changes you can make that can help change your life in a positive direction.  And for the most part, these are choices you can make now. 

Let today be a “last day” of your accepting and expecting less of yourself.  Change is a wonderful thing and it should not wait for an auto accident or a heart surgery.  In fact, it should not wait one more moment for anything.  

Make today be the “last day” of the old you.

Make those changes that allow you to live fully, love what you do and who you are, and give yourself a sense of purpose, a sense that you matter by spending your time doing things that matter.

Do it now.  Before that unpredictable last last day arrives for you.

We all have a finite amount of time on this planet.  We never know exactly how much.  Make each day matter.  Live each day so that if it does happen to be your last day, you will have left nothing to regret.  Live a life that matters.

Last Thursday, I shared with our group my most recent presentation “ Friends, Family and your Mental Health “

When you’re someone who experiences depression or anxiety, unsupportive friends or family can be challenging. If you find that the people in your life who should be your greatest support aren’t, there are things you can do to find that support. 

First you need to try and recognize that not everyone will understand your depression. Others may have grown up in an environment where they learned it was wrong to show vulnerability. Or maybe their thoughts are influenced by the stigma that is associated with mental illness. 

They might be sympathetic to you, but are unable to support you as they might be experiencing their own mental health challenges. Try being patient and maybe even offer support to that person if you are able to do so. 

Try and remember, sometimes the best way to feel better is to help someone else!  It helps take the focus off of yourself. One of the best ways to find the support you need is to start with yourself. Learn to be your own cheerleader! 

Practice being kind to yourself and keep your self-talk positive. 

And if you are not finding the support you need from family or friends, maybe consider joining a support group, such as DBSA or NAMI. By attending one of these groups, you may find that others who are going through the same challenges may be great friends to have.

There are a few things to remember when dealing with unsupportive people in your life:

1) Not everyone is going to like you, which has nothing to do with you or your like-ability!

2) Your job is NOT to please everyone or to be understood by everyone.

3) It’s natural to want to be understood and liked, but that is a want, and not an essential need. Try and understand the difference between the two, so that you can continue to move forward and find peace within.

Try and remember everyone will have an opinion, and some people may try and force you to agree with their own opinions.

Just remember, You we’re not born to meet the expectations of others, only to meet your own souls purpose, and nothing more!