DBSA Omaha New Hope

On Thursday January 25th, we were treated to Haley’s newest presentation entitled “ Five Stages of Diagnostic Grief “

Haley began by sharing when most of us think of grief, we think of the loss of a loved one.  However, her therapist shared with her that when you get diagnosed, there are five stages of grief.

The five stages of Diagnostic Grief are, Denial, Anger, Bargaining, depression, and Acceptance.

1) Denial….in this state, you can’t believe what’s happening to you.  Denying it will give you more time to process.  The Denial state is a common defense mechanism, and helps numb the intensity of the situation. 

Ways to cope…..do research with others or even with doctors. Come to support groups, such as DBSA.

2) Anger…..this is a masking effect, hiding your emotions. This can be a confusing stage. You may have outbursts of anger on friends, family or co-workers.  You may begin to question your morals or the people in your life. 

Ways to cope… writing things down, listen to music, or even take a cold shower to reset your brain.  Maybe even call others to talk about it.

3). Bargaining…..during this stage, you may feel vulnerable and helpless. During these intense emotions, it’s not uncommon to look for ways to regain control, or you may want to feel like you can affect the outcome of an event.  During this stage you may find yourself creating “ what if “ and “what only “ statements.  Anxiety can be at it’s highest during this state.

Ways to cope…try to focus only on what you can control. Stay mindful and in the moment.

4) Depression…..this is the quiet stage.  You may start isolating yourself.  In this stage you may feel very alone, and you’re not sure who you are anymore or what may come next.  

Ways to cope…get some help.  Come to group, see your doctor or therapist. Use the things you have learned at group to cope. 

5) Acceptance….this is not necessarily a happy or uplifting stage. But it can be a rewarding stage. This stage doesn’t mean you’ve moved past the grief of your diagnosis. However it does mean that you’ve accepted it and have come to understand what it means in your life now. Look at acceptance as there may be more good days than bad now. It takes a lot to get to this stage, but when you do it feels like you can breathe again. 

Haley shared that it is possible to fluctuate between these stages.  These things do take time, but remember to take your time and learn to rely on the help of others.  

On Thursday January 4th, we were treated to Carolyn’s newest presentation entitled “ Why can’t every day be Friday? “

Carolyn shared that usually when she asks someone how they’re doing, usually they will come back with some sort of response such as “ well I’m here”.  So, why is it when Friday comes around we are so excited?  Personally, I get excited because I normally don’t work on the weekends, and I look forward to the break. 

But Carolyn said that everyday can be a Friday.  When you wake up in the morning, you can choose your mood for the day. As Carolyn quoted Abe Lincoln  “ Most people are as happy as they decide to be “ 

So, learn to give yourself permission to be happy Every Day!  Tell yourself how you feel when you wake up. 

Learn to rearrange your mind every day, as how you decide to live your life is up to you.  Truly with the right mindset, you should be happy to have a job. You can make your mind up to enjoy your day. And an important thing to remember is once a day is gone, you can never get it back. 

When you encounter a challenging situation, try to remember that how we feel can account for about 10 percent of what happened, but is 90 percent of how we respond to the situation. 

If someone makes you angry, try and remember to quit giving your power away. When you allow what someone says to upset you, you’re allowing them to control you. 

Carolyn shared with us an analogy which I truly love.  Some people are like garbage trucks. They run around full of anger and disappointment, and they are just looking forward to having someone to dump on. 

If you’re feeling unhappy, try and figure out what is stealing your joy.  Remember when you have a cheerful attitude, your body shows it. And if you continue to smile, you’ll get well quicker. 

Maybe even try the old adage “ fake it till you make it “   If you find yourself in a negative environment , try and remember you may be surrounded by a bunch of weeds, but it doesn’t mean that you can’t bloom!  Choose to bloom and have a good attitude.  Do some reading, or maybe take some additional training. Or try and find a hobby you don’t have to pay for.  You can even play cards or board games with family or friends. Remember if you have friends and family you are truly rich. Being grateful is the key to happiness. Learn to enjoy each day, and slow down and enjoy the journey!

On Thursday December 14th, We had just a bit different sort of first hour. 

Before our meeting, Don had written down four different “ Holiday Situations “ 

At this meeting, we also had four different guest teddy bears in attendance, each of whom were holding the different Holiday situations. 

These different situations were all situations that you might encounter during the upcoming Holiday season. Don shared with us that he himself had encountered each of these four situations during the Holidays. One notable difference tonight was that these different situations were seen through the eyes of the teddy bear, who was also a resident of the home.

I facilitated one of these breakout groups.  The person in our make believe  situation had the name of Tina.  Tina’s father had just passed away the previous Christmas Eve and Tina was still processing this loss. Christmas had lost the magic it once had when her father was still around.  What would normally be a highlight of Tina’s year, was now nothing more than a painful memory. 

Tina’s teddy bear reached out and asked, what can be done to help Tina return her Holidays to the happy times they always were? 

Our group shared that everyone processes grief differently. It’s alright to grieve the loss of someone. And grieving is nothing to be ashamed of. 

Or maybe the bear could suggest to Tina different ways to honor her Dad. Maybe Tina could place an ornament on the tree in his name. 

Or maybe Tina and her family could visit her Father’s grave as a yearly tradition during the Holiday season. And Tina can always continue to talk to her teddy bear, as the bear was a gift from her Father. 

The situation we had in our group reminded me of how important it is to be grateful for my family and friends. Not only during this time of year, but every day throughout the year.  

 On Thursday December 7th,  we were treated to Steve’s latest presentation entitled “ Trusting Your Intuition “ This presentation was worth taking a look at again this year, as I have learned to trust my intuition even more over this past year. Do you ever wonder if following your instinct is the best way forward? But maybe you’re not sure you should trust that instinct?  I happen to think that following your intuition can be the best choice in certain situations. 

Or how about gut feelings?  What are gut feelings?  

A few signs of gut feelings are:

1) tension in your body 

2) goosebumps 

3) a sinking sensation in your stomach 

4) sweaty palms or feet 

5) a feeling of peace after making a hard decision 

You can look at intuition as being based on your own awareness of a certain situation. This could explain why you feel being pulled in a certain direction.

Intuition can also be an awareness about something you just can’t explain.

The Greatest Betrayal?  

Something I ran across the other day which might give you something to think about.  If you don’t usually trust your intuition, you may actually be betraying yourself.  If you’re not trusting your own intuition when it comes to making life decisions for yourself, you may only be setting yourself up for unnecessary discomfort in your life. Try and remember this the next time you’re making an important decision. 

Gut feelings ( Intuition) vs. Anxiety 

There are some differences between having gut feelings about something, versus anxiety.

Gut feelings…usually lead you more clearly. These feelings will usually come up in certain situations or maybe even about certain people in your life.

Anxiety…usually will focus on the future, and will be less clear. And you might find yourself worrying about all kinds of concerns, and usually things you can’t control.

Gut feelings…..will normally pass once you’ve made that tough decision, and you will feel more calm about it.

Anxiety…..lingers and may make you feel like you’re on constant alert. You may resolve one concern, and then start worrying about something else.

There are important decisions and times when you should trust your intuition:

1) If something feels wrong in your body. If you have a gut feeling about your body that something is wrong, listen to it.  Maybe go get a physical exam just to be sure.

2) You feel that you’re in danger.  Remember that your gut instincts will reveal what your subconscious already knows. 

3) This is it!  ….when you run across that certain someone, or even when making an important decision, like buying a house.  Try listening to your intuition.  These are probably great reasons why you should listen to your intuition, as these are decisions that may improve your life. 

On Thursday November 16th, we were treated to Miriam’s latest presentation entitled “ Holiday Blues “  was a very timely presentation, as the upcoming Holiday approaches. 

Miriam shared that many of us may have mixed feelings about the upcoming  Holidays.  She also shared she is planning to enjoy herself during the Holidays. 

We might want to try and keep things simple during the Holidays. Think about maybe what your family needs during this time, but remember that may not be what you need. Remember what you want does matter! 

Also try and avoid situations that may trigger you. If you know of a particular person who you don’t get along with, try and hang out with others who you enjoy being around.  If there is truly something that you don’t want to take part in, try to learn to say no to those requests. Remember to try and create memories and start new traditions during the Holidays that are important to you. 

Maybe even change how you look at the Holidays, and decide that you are going to enjoy the Holidays. Remember that others you are with might have a messy life as well!  Try to learn to expect more realistic things about others. 

During this time if you are feeling unhappy about a situation, try to name it and own it.  Sometimes if you just name the emotion, and being self-aware about it will help. 

Also learn to pause and recognize your strengths before you remind yourself of what you’re NOT doing! Maybe you know of a friend who needs help making Christmas special for their kids?  Try and do something for others.  Something little that you do might mean a lot to others. And being kind to others actually increases serotonin and dopamine!  A great benefit!

During the Holidays, remember to invest in your own self-care.  Learn to feel the feels, whether they are good or bad.  Be sure and set healthy boundaries with others, and say no if you need to. 

And remember the reason we are celebrating. When you are wrapping gifts this season, remember you GET to wrap presents for others. Or maybe instead of sending gifts to others, send them peace instead?  Maybe we can be the light for others, and bring them hope and love. 

On Thursday November 9th,  we were treated to Don’s latest presentation entitled “ Gratitude “

Thanksgiving is a great tradition and a great time of the year to remember all the things we are greatful for. It is so easy, in our very busy lives to forget about all we do have. When it comes to gratitude, being grateful can have a calming effect on us. Showing gratitude can also be about the forgiveness of others and evaluating what’s truly important in life.

First we talked about the big items we are greatful for. Family, close friends, good health, grateful to have a job, and grateful for the roles we play in the community were some of the topics we discussed. 

In the smaller picture, there might be little tiny details in life that you are grateful for. These are the things we normally take for greanted, so it is important to take time out and give them credit.

Don shared with us some of the smaller things in life he is grateful for. Such as; good hair days, bacon, toilet paper, fortune cookies, cat videos, indoor plumbing, GPS, auto-save on your computer, chap-stick, or even getting everyone to smile in a family photo. And then there is hitting all of the green lights while driving, and of course nap time! 

And when it comes to Thanksgiving, there is so much to be thankful for.  Such as spending the holiday with family or seeing old friends again. Having a good meal and sitting on the comfy couch afterwards. 

We closed with talking about this group. After many members shared their positive experiences, Don shared he is also grateful for each of us here at group each week, and hopes that he can be, even in a small way, can be a positive influence in their lives.

So, what are you grateful for? 

Last Thursday October 19th, we were treated to Don’s latest presentation, with a Halloween appropriate title “ The Masks we Wear”

Don began by sharing that Halloween’s origin began as an ancient Celtic holiday , with the wearing of masks. He also reflected that as recently as a couple years of years ago, we were all wearing masks due to the pandemic, which gave us a place to hide. Now things are much different.

     But many of us do wear masks every day of the year for many reasons.  Don shared wearing a mask is like putting your armor on every day, covering and protecting yourself emotionally just to get through the day.  And we may choose to let our masks down only when alone or with our friends. 

     So what is a mask? A traditional definition is ; a covering used to protect ourselves. Masks can be emotional.  They may be a false front, as sometimes we build false fronts and hide behind them to get through the day. These emotional masks can protect us from the cruelty of the world. 

Types of Masks…

1) Identity mask…this mask is used to hide who we really are from others. This mask can also be a better one to use for conflict avoidance, or for survival. When wearing this mask, you may find that the real you will try to come out.

2) Emotional mask….this mask will usually hide how we are realistic feeling. This may be a mask that you started wearing, if you grew up in a family that would hide their feelings. Don related that his wife Miriam grew up in a very talkative family, whereas Don’s family was the very opposite. The emotional mask can help you get through difficult situations. If you happen to be going through something difficult, sometimes you need to let the emotions flow. It is possible to overuse an emotional mask. Sometimes we need to process our emotions to get to inner peace.  Remember, your emotions will always find a way around your mask you are wearing. 

3) Situational mask…..different situations may require a different mask. Such as giving a presentation at our Thursday night group. Or when you are meeting a new person for the first time. This type of mask will help you adjust to the situation you’re in.  It’s also important to assess the situation you’re in so you are wearing the appropriate mask. 

What are some things that all masks have in common?

– all of these masks serve a function 

– they help protect you from ill-intentioned people 

– wearing a mask is one way of setting boundaries. Sometimes it can be healthy to keep new people you meet at an arm’s length until you get to know them. 

There are also some reasons to shed your mask;

1) shedding your mask will help you to live up to your potential 

2) we often mask special parts of us that we should share with others 

3) relief..it can be exhausting to wear a mask all the time. You may not be living an authentic life if you’re always wearing a mask 

4) healing…when wearing a mask, we carve a piece of ourselves out. And we can’t be healed in life unless we feel all the feels and never hold back.

How do we remove our masks?  If we remove our masks, you may get to know yourself better. We need to be willing to take risks and live our lives fully. And don’t pull your mask partially off and let the world scare you. 

Remember being maskless requires courage, but will ultimately reveal the person we truly are. 

On Thursday October 12th, Don shared with us his presentation entitled “ Stuck in the Moment “

Don began by sharing that it has been a weird year for he and Miriam. With his son Josh moving home, and his continued health issues, and now the loss of Miriam’s job. He shared with us that loss seems to be overtaking his family right now. 

Sometimes when what is going on around us seems to be too much for you to process emotionally in that moment, you may shut down. But we have to go on. The world is suddenly different and we must adjust to it while we work through all the feels. In this moment, You likely are in a mild to severe state of shock. And it will take a while for that to go away. 

So how do we get unstuck? Don shared with us that Classic psychology lists there are five phases of grief.  The first one is Denial.  This helps us minimize the overwhelming pain of loss. As we process the reality of our loss, we are also trying to survive emotional pain. It can be hard to believe we have lost an important person or thing in our lives, especially when we may have just spoken with this person the previous week or even the previous day. 

Don gave us a few examples of this type of denial: 

 If you’re facing the death of a loved one, you might find yourself fantasizing someone will call to say there’s been a mistake and nothing really happened. • If you’re dealing with a breakup, you might convince yourself your partner will soon regret leaving and come back to you. • If you lost your job, you might feel your former boss will offer you the position back. But you wake up the next day and what happened is what happened. 

When this happens to you, for the first 24 hours: Remember to eat, Get some sleep, and maybe even cry. Don’t forget to rely on others, your family, your friends, someone from our support group. 

Don shared with us a quote that I really loved. “ Remember: You are not a failure just because you had a failure.”

The second stage of grief is Anger.

 Feeling intensely angry might surprise you or your loved ones.  But Don tells us it’s not uncommon. This anger serves a purpose. During the anger stage of grief, you might start asking questions like “Why me?” or “What did I do to deserve this?” You could also feel suddenly angry at inanimate objects, strangers, friends, or family members. You might feel angry at life in general. 

The next stage of grief is Bargaining. Bargaining is a stage of grief that helps you hold on to hope in a situation of intense pain. This is perhaps the time where you are least rational about what has happened, but you still really want the outcome to change. You might think to yourself that you’re willing to do anything and sacrifice everything if your life is restored to what it was

Phase 4 of grief is Depression.

During our experience of processing grief, there comes a time when our imaginations calm down and we slowly start to look at the reality of our present situation. Bargaining May no longer feel free like an option. 

We are faced with what is happening, and we start to feel the loss more.  As our panic begins to subside, the emotional fog begins to clear and the loss feels more present. 

In these depressive moments,  we may pull inward as the sadness grows. We might find ourselves retreating, being less sociable, and reaching out less to others about what we are going through.  Dealing with depression after the loss can be extremely isolating. 

And finally the stage of Acceptance. 

We all fail at some point. Failure happens to everyone.  It is a “normal” part of life. Not pleasant, but normal. But for us it tends to stay with us more . 

 Acceptance is more about how you acknowledge the losses you’ve experienced, how you learn to live with them, and how you readjust your life accordingly. 

So, how do we actually help ourselves get through loss? One of the things you will find yourself doing as you progress through the steps we have talked about is questioning yourself.  So, here are some common questions you may have.

 1. ‘I am doing it wrong’

When it comes to healing from a loss, there’s no correct way of doing it. You might find it useful to remind yourself there’s no “I should be feeling this

2. ‘I should be feeling…’ Not everyone experiences all the above-mentioned stages or even goes through these emotions the same way. For example, maybe the depression stage feels more like irritability than sadness for you. Your healing experience is unique and while different from someone else’s, it is your mind and body telling you what you need to heal.

 3. ‘My stages are not in the right order!’ Remember, there’s no specific or linear order for the stages of grief. You could move along the stages one by one, or you could go back and forth. Some days you might feel very sad, and the very next day you could wake up feeling hopeful. 

4. ‘It’s taking too long’ Some people navigate through grief in a few days. Others take months or longer to process their loss. There is no timeline, there are no deadlines to your process. 

5. ‘I’m depressed’. That may well be.  But, going through the stages of grief, particularly the depression stage, isn’t equivalent to clinical depression. There’s a distinction between having clinical depression and grieving. Think of grief depression as having a really bad series of days or weeks and clinical depression is a disease that needs to be treated.

 So, How do we unstick ourselves from this painful moment? We must actually believe the past is what we evaluate and learn from but do not live in. Accept that failure on some level has happened.

Accept that failure on some level has happened and ask yourself: What part of this was me? What part of this were the circumstances? Of the things I could control, what can I do better next time? 

And through all of this, remember, you are strong. Just being at group on Thursday’s means you know how to reach out for help.

Make an action plan. The plan you come up with will just be a start. You can make needed changes along the way. So you don’t have to make the perfect plan. But you do have to make it today, and you do have to start working it. 

Realize while today is painful, tomorrow does not have to be. Tomorrow is all about hard work and faith. Work to make the changes you need to make on yourself so at least you do not fail in the same way again. And Faith. Faith in whatever you believe in, but most importantly faith in yourself. You have to sometimes believe in a better tomorrow even though you can’t see it right away.

You are stronger than you know. You can handle it, even when you feel like you can’t.  Most of grief is short term, so do your best to keep it together. You are stronger than you know. Be gentle with yourself. Grief can be exhausting and draining. Care for your body during periods of intensive stress. Carve out time for naps, eat nourishing foods, and drink plenty of water. 

Remember nothing is ever really lost. People that are important to you live on in your mind and will come to you when you need them the most. And remember, after all of this, no matter how much you are hurting, you’re going to be okay! 

On Thursday September 28th, the President of our chapter Miriam shared with us her presentation entitled “ Schadenfreud” 

I have to admit when I saw the title of her presentation I was very curious what this was all about.

So, Miriam shared that Schadenfreud is “ the unattractive human tendency to take pleasure in the misery of others “ 

Now the opposite of this is called “ Freudenfreud” . Which is the enjoyment of another’s success. A feeling of happiness for and enjoyment in the success of others. 

Some examples of Schadenfreud; a bad guy may be hit by a bus and you may think “ they had it coming “ Or maybe you are watching figure skating and one of your least favorites falls down, and you find yourself laughing and enjoying that. Schadenfreud may have at its roots some jealousy. It may also be because you caused the misfortune, or maybe you made a hurtful remark that made others laugh. This type of behavior may even border on bullying. 

Whereas Freudenfreud cultivates positive empathy for others, and the ability to experience someone else’s positive emotions. It helps to propel kind acts and helping others. It can even foster resilience.  It can even help improve your own life satisfaction. 

But, Freudenfreud doesn’t come easily, especially if you were raised to equate winning with self worth.  You may see someone else’s victory as your own personal shortcoming. Your own mental health may even get in the way of you being able to participate in someone else’s joy. 

So, how do we practice Freudenfreud? 

Try asking questions about another person’s joy. Ask them to describe their experience. Maintain eye contact and listen attentively. Remember happiness can flourish when you make a heartfelt effort to engage in a positive activity. 

View another’s success as a communal effort. Remember no one gets to the top alone. It can be especially moving when someone else succeeds. It lifts us all up.

Remember we don’t have to wait for joy, we can actively seek it out. It doesn’t mean you’ll never cheer against a villain again, but being able to reach for happiness is beneficial. Celebrating our friend’s successes will help us all triumph! 

On Thursday September 14th, our leader Don tried out something a little different for our Thursday night meeting. We started out the first hour of the night’s meeting by having our sharing hour first. We were split up into smaller groups, and written on paper each group was given a “ situation “.  Our goal in each group was to come up with solutions for these specific situations.

My group had a fictional character, who went by the name of Tex. We were told that Tex was being rather difficult, and needed to be “ put in his place “

So, the task of our group was to come up with a few ideas. 

Some of our ideas were; maybe we needed to be direct with Tex, and in a diplomatic way “ put him in his place “  We also thought about ignoring Tex, and hoping he would take the hint and learn from the experience. Or we also thought about calling him out in front of others, and re-directing the focus back on Tex.

The format of group tonight was a nice change of pace. I really enjoyed it.  I felt like it challenged those of us who were there to come up with solutions to everyday situations we may run across. Maybe even taking us out of our comfort zone for awhile.  Broadening our horizons you could say! 

Thanks to Don for this uniquely challenging idea!