Tonight we are going somewhere we do not usually go in this group. But every so often, we need to step out from behind boundaries and get very real, and that is what tonight is all about.  This is the sixth time I have given this presentation on the topic of suicide.  Each time, it is difficult.  It makes me revisit a place that I never want to see again.  But I do it.  I do it because each time I am told it helps.  Each time, someone tells me, it made the difference.  The most important difference.

It goes to the most vital purpose of this group, at least in my mind and heart.  I need to talk to you about this.  Time is finite.  My time is finite.  So tonight we stretch the boundaries of what we talk about in this group.  I speak tonight because if something bad happened to one of you, my friends, and I didn’t do all I could to stop it, well…..  Just know, your actions affect others, others that love and care about you.  And the affect it is not good, no matter what you think.

This is the fire.  It is always burning, always there.

From here, I am safe.  It can’t harm me.

I can get close to it, and I am still safe.

I can briefly almost get into it without it hurting me.

But I know it is dangerous.  Deadly dangerous.

Right now, the fire is small and contained.   But it still burns and if something goes wrong, it has the potential to burn everything down.  The potential to start a chain reaction that ends us.

Many of us have a fire.

Everyone’s is different.

For some, it is booze, others pills.

It can be a certain person, a certain experience, a certain thing, or even a certain place.

The place can be real or just in our minds.

Those are the most dangerous places.  That is my fire.

Simply said, the fire is the thing that can destroy us as it almost did me.

For some of us, our fires linger in the background for long periods of time, even years.  During a vulnerable time, it can spark up and cause great harm.

A small flame can start a much bigger problem.  Physically, emotionally, spiritually, our fires can end us.

We are afraid of our fire.  More than anything else in our lives.  Many of us have seen it up close, and we’re lucky to have escaped it.  Some of us have escaped that deepest, dark place once, some many more times than that.  If we had the power, we would banish it far far away, never to be mentioned, or thought of ever again.  That would be great.  That would be wellness.

but – as some of the bravest people in this room know – we do not always have that kind of willpower over our fire. when we are feeling weak, or in distress, because of negative core beliefs, our experiences, our illnesses, sometimes our fires get hold of us. when we are at our low points, it can be its strongest self. and usually at the absolutely worst time, the fire tries to gain control and uses that power

How do we stay safe?            How do we stay here?  Because that is what we all really want, a chance at a better tomorrow, that can only happen if tomorrow exists for all of us.

Well, that work starts now.

When we are strong.

When the fire is but the distant smell of smoke..

We must do our homework.

We must realize that even a little work now, can make all the difference later.

We must realize that our lives are a pile of dry kindling that we fit together and just removing or changing the balance that keeps us going is dangerous.

We must know the balance we have achieved is vital.

And that things like stopping our meds, changing our routine, going to places that have been bad for us in the past are moving our finely balanced dry sticks closer to the flame.

We must prepare for the day that the fire comes, because, for many of us, it will come again.

If I draw a ring around the fire and place that ring far enough away, I create a safe buffer zone.  Outside that zone, I barely feel its influence.  If I can manage to stay there, I will be OK.  The stronger I build that boundary, the safer I am, most of the time.

So in real life, what does that boundary look like?

Most of the time this is a statement like

“I am going to stay away from ______”

Another thing we must do today is to work on ourselves, because, in the end, at that dark moment of truth, it is up to each of us to save ourselves when faced with our raging fires.

To find the strength we need within ourselves requires time, patience, and practice.  The first time we do anything, it is a bit scary.  But if we do it, and succeed, we gain confidence, and sort of like when we lift weights, each time we do it, it gets a bit easier and we get a bit stronger.

Time, patience, practice, human connection, vulnerability, honesty, reaching out for help, reaching for our skills… The confidence and experience that comes with using our skills in times of strength… This is how we can keep our fires from ending us

We do not need to face our fire in order to develop the inner strength we need when the fire comes.

Most importantly, we do not need the ability to get ourselves all the way back to good.

We need just enough strength to get help in that very dark moment.  This is the moment where either the fire will win or you will.  This is the darkest depth.  The singular moment where we make the choice to listen to the seductive song of the fire, or to try to summon help.  To try to be found.

This is where practice comes in.  While they may seem small, trivial and unrelated, here are a few mental exercises you can do safely that will build your strength to face your fire.

1. Pick a day and focus on an important task.  Shut out all outside influences until you have finished.  Focus and train your brain to follow your commands.  As it must when the fire is burning down your house.
2. Pick a day and be nothing but positive.  No snarky comments, nothing negative.  Not even joking with friends.  Everything is a compliment, everything is positive.  It’s really hard for most of us! Especially me.
3. Take a day off from the internet.  No FB, no Instagram, no tick tock, no X.  Completely off the net.  Completely free from outside influences and ideas.  Allow you to be purely you.  Live the day in your own place and that very moment, free from the influence of the rest of the world.
4. Have a day of mindfulness.  A day for yourself and your soul.
5. For a day, actively question your actions.  “Why do I do this this way, why do I like this show, this food….”  You might be surprised at some of the answers.  We do a lot of things out of habit that perhaps if we think about it, are no longer fun, or no longer good for ourselves.
6. For a day, delay your responses.  Take a breath and think through your answer, rather than blurt it out.  Your real, thoughtful self might surprise you.
7. Focus an entire day on compassion and forgiveness.  Make this day about everyone except yourself. Show your caring side to others and let the past be in the past.
8. Go 24 hours without complaining about anything.  Just positivity in your thoughts.
9. Go 24 hours without using your dominate hand.  Get your brain out of autopilot.
10. Go 24 hours speaking only in questions.  No opinions, just listen to responses.
11. And most importantly, as homework tonight: Think about others.  Go down your list.  Mom, Dad, husband, wife, kids, sister, brother, friends, co workers, even your dog or cat.  Picture their lives without you in it.  Watch your life for the times you make a difference to someone.  My son Josh is still deeply effected by the loss of a close classmate in high school.  
12. Every time I walk into this building, I think of Bo.       Right now, my friend Howard is holding on because he has no one to care for his dog if he lets his fire consume him.  Do this when you are strong.  Think long and hard about the impact you have on others every day.  Think about how you would make them feel, how you would change their lives.  You are important, to the people around you, and the fire will lie to you, telling you, you are not. Do not believe it!                                      
13. By doing these exercises, you are building a defense for when all seems lost.  Write your list of people down.  Write what you think their lives would be like should your fire win. Do this now, so in that dark moment, you can read your rational self to the fire, and maybe, just maybe, that dark moment will see a glimpse of light. And that glimpse of light, can make all the difference.

Each of these exercises is all about strength and discipline.  Mind discipline.  None of them are going to change your life by themselves.  None of them are going to cure anything.  That is not the point.  But hopefully, by doing these things, you will develop just enough inner strength and focus, that when your fire flares up, you can focus long enough to call out for help.  To be found.  Train your brain to respond to your commands. Realize you do matter to others and they do care and would miss you when you’re gone.

It is all about training you brain to fight the fire. Getting the smallest sliver of control back from the fire.  Just enough to make that call for help. That is what you need, that makes all the difference.

Realize that all you need to do is to win that exact dark moment.  No matter what your fire is telling you, there is help.  Your one and only goal is to use that moment you have trained for to reach out to get it.

Finally, if you take only one thing away tonight it is this.

Have a Someone, and let your true, authentic self, complete with all it’s issues be known to that someone.

For those of you that know you have someone, hold tight to that.  Work that relationship.  Give them a code word.  Make sure that if you have to make that call, they will be there for you and that they understand what is at stake in that very moment.

If you are a someone for someone, never fail to answer when they reach out.  Never fail to put yourself in the background and give full focus to your friend.  Yes, get them the professional help they need right away, but know that you are the difference in that moment.  This is your 15 minutes to be strong for both of you. Especially until that help arrives.

For those of you that do not have a someone, your life at some point, may depend on finding one. There’s no room of people that understand isolation and loneliness better than this room does. But know this – you are deeply worthy of being seen and being known. It’s okay if getting back into the swing of human connection starts with a professional like a therapist or a peer. If you’re ready, challenge yourself to open up to a friend or family member or even someone sitting in this room. Open up and let yourself be known and loved, because of whatever the consequences of opening up, the consequences of not opening up could be so much worse