Last week we talked in analogies, this week we address the same topic, directly.  Once the situation is real, best to address head on.

Last week, hypothetical situation, this week is how does a friend handle another friend saying that they want to end their life.  It is about dancing in their darkness, finding out how serious they are, finding out if they have a plan, finding out if they have the means to carry out their plan, and then doing what any friend would do, helping them to get the help they actually need right now.

The purpose of this talk is that we want you to feel comfortable enough to trust us and ask for the help you need, no matter what your situation is.

Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass, its about learning to  dance in the storm while being there for your friend, holding their hand and leading them through the next 15 minutes, and then the next hour, and then through the night and the storm clouds.

It is about taking their moment seriously and doing what is best for them right now.  It is about doing what is best for all the other people that heard them speak the words.

Who is next, suicide, unfortunately gives tacit permission & approval for others felling low.  Who will be triggered, who is next?  How far do these thought of death spread? And beyond that, how far does the wave of dark butterflies spread and Who does it affect.

I bring this up because it is an issue at odds with our group rule of “What is said here stays here”.  In the case of a group member expressing Suicidal or homicidal ideations, we are changing what help and support are going to look like as a group policy.  The intent is solely how can we help our friend the most right now.  We must take seriously when we feel there is a situation in our meeting discussions, where a person has expressed or described:

“A situation where a person is in imminent danger of harm to self or others”.

We will keep this situation confidential from anyone else in group, and will share only what information we need to if we need to get help.

So, over the past few months your board has been working on a new safety plan that ensures it being safe for anyone at our meetings to fully express their situation. It further ensures that anyone having these feelings will be treated as a friend in trouble, their wishes respected.

Some of you know me, some not, some of you were here last week. some were not.  So rather than go through a big chunk of last week’s presentation again, my brief history regarding suicide is 40 years ago I went through a 3 month period where I was actively suicidal.  I found my way out of the darkness so I have lived experience with this topic.  As well, my son, while in college, 1000 miles away had his own issues.  I have friends who should be sitting in this room right now but are not.  And I work at the Clarkston UNMC Psychiatric Emergency room, where I share my story with multiple people every week who experienced their own dark thought and made attempts less than 24 hours prior to our chat.  Fortunately, most of these people either had the strength to express their intentions to someone who took action, or were found mid attempt and saved.

So, going forward, “What is said here, stays here, until silence is not in the person’s best interest” will be part of our group rules. We cannot and should not ignore what is essentially a cry for help, and yet, our friend has trusted us with their intentions, and we cannot, as a friend, ignore those intentions.  When a life is on the line, “what is said here, stays here” is not in the best interest of anyone involved when active danger is expressed.  The key word here is active.  If you are talking about something you felt ten years ago, that is not active.  If you say “I feel like going home and taking all the pills in my house, then wandering in traffic”  that is active danger to yourself.

We want to still make it safe and comfortable for anyone to have the courage to express suicidal ideations at group, only now, what will happen is if suicidal or homicidal intentions are expressed, we will pause the meeting for a few moments as ask that attendee to meet the small group leader in the hallway.  The group leader and one of our peer support specialists will meet with the person expressing these thoughts in private.  The person expressing the ideations, the peer, and the second hour leader will discuss how best to meet the person’s needs and what is in their best self interest to protect them from immediate harm and plan out the rest of their night with the goal of them receiving a level of care that matches their level of emergency.

We are willing to listen to your entire story, you will be heard.  No matter how long it takes.  Every person is different and there are no one size fits all answers to this situation.  Stating that you are in trouble does not place a burden on us, it gives us an opportunity to help you.

What does hurt us as group leaders is if you withhold your true thoughts and we find out the next day you did something that we could have helped you through or prevented.

Our first question will always be:  When you said what you said, what did you hope would happen?

We want to focus on your wishes and apply our knowledge of the system to agree on what you want and need in that moment.

We promise to be 100% present. For the next hour, I know that our conversation can be the difference.  All social norms go out the window.  We will do what has to be done because your life could depend on it.

So, where does this approach come from?  Over the past year I have seen so many people follow all the rules and yet, end up in a place they never wanted, a place that made everything worse, a place that taught them to not seek help when suicidal.  A place that punishes those seeking help, rather than helping them.  I do not want that for my friends, so tonight I ask you simply to trust me.  Trust me and let my experiences and life help you.  Let me help you make the best decision you will ever make, to stay alive and get the care you need and deserve.  Your pain can not break me.  I can and will walk with you in your pain and see that you make it through your night.