DBSA Omaha New Hope

On Thursday February 29th, Miriam shared with the group her most recent presentation entitled “ Self-Sabotage”

      So, what is Self-sabotage?  Self-sabotage can be thoughts or patterns that you engage in that may create obstacles.  Sometimes with these thoughts we may tend to “ get in our own way” 

Sometimes there are mindsets and patterns we have that may be a form of self-sabotage. You may not even be aware of your own self-sabotage.  So what are some other signs of self-sabotage? 

– you may procrastinate

– you may tend to have all or nothing thinking

– you may have trouble struggling with moderation 

– a lack of communication with others

– you may highlight failures by asking for help 

– setting goals that are too high or too low

– avoiding or withdrawing from others

     Sometimes your subconscious may push you towards a decision that feels safe. Or you may have a fear of success or of what others think about you. 

Just try to remember that failure is nothing to be ashamed of. Sometimes we learn things the hard way through our own experiences and failures. 

When it comes to worrying about what others think of you, Miriam shared a quote for us from her Dad that really resonated with me 

“ other peoples opinions about you are none of your business “ 

But instead of fearing rejection or ridicule, you can decide to change your outlook. Miriam shared that the opposite of self-sabotage is self-care. We have to stop and decide what we truly want out of life and go for it.

 Some ways to help stop self-sabotage:

– become more self-aware of the thoughts or patterns that you are engaging in

– Re-frame…really take a look at what’s going on and what’s making you feel a certain way , and try to re-frame things in a more positive way. 

– most of the times when you’re stuck in these patterns, there is an uncomfortable feeling you’re trying to avoid.

     Try using positive affirmations to help you succeed in life. And most importantly, reach out for support during these times when you need it the most! 

On Thursday February 15th, Miriam shared with the group her most recent presentation entitled “ Dealing with Difficult People”. 

Miriam began by posing the question, “ what makes a difficult person? “

Some of the attributes of a difficult person, they tend to have poor communication and will talk over you.  They usually will have a lack of empathy, and may be difficult to be around.  Others will tend to avoid a difficult person.  They may always belittle and put you down, and maybe leave you out of conversations.  A difficult person’s public and private life may tend to be different. 

Miriam also shared with us that there are ten different types of difficult people.

1) the Sniper…this type of person enjoys saying mean things.

2) Whiner…with this type something is always wrong in the world. They tend to be perfectionists. 

3) Volcano…this type of person tends to keep things in, and then their emotions will explode all at once. 

4) The Bulldozer…these people push their way through life, and don’t like others who are weak. 

5) The know-it-all…these people have to be right and cannot be wrong.  No one else’s opinions matter. With this type just agree to disagree. They probably won’t like this either.

6) Pessimist…this person is always negative, and thinks everything is wrong in the world. They will spend a lot of time awfulizing.

7) the muzzle…these people usually will be quiet and refuse to talk with you. They may be angry when you disagree with them. 

8) The gossip…this person gossips about everything and everyone. So be careful what you tell them, as they may also be gossiping about you. 

9) The Staller…this type of person does not want to upset others, so they usually have trouble making decisions.  Most decisions don’t really matter to them.

10) The yes person…this type of person wants to make everyone happy.  This person wants to please others, but usually doesn’t follow through as they tend to over-commit.

     When it comes to difficult people, there are usually two sides to every problem. And remember it takes two to argue.  It usually helps to stay calm if you are able, when in the middle of an argument.  Try to remember that their reality may be different than yours, as it’s normal for our realities to differ from others.  Be sure and listen to the other person, and try looking at them with compassion.  A little empathy might help the situation.  It could be a win-win if you can make the other somehow think that the solution to a problem was their idea. 

If you need to meet with a difficult person, try and meet in a neutral public space.  And try and look for a compromise, which will meet the others needs. 

Above all, remember to practice your own self-care to help you navigate an encounter with a difficult person. 

On Thursday February 8th, I shared with the group my most recent presentation entitled “ If Not Now, When? “

My presentation was all about trying to stay motivated. So, what does it take to get motivated, and to stay motivated? 

If I am having a really tough time staying motivated, I start with small steps, baby steps. For me it’s a very visual process. It’s important for me to write the things down that I want to accomplish. Every day! This is my way of holding myself accountable. 

    For example, I knew in the back of my mind that I had a presentation on February 8th, but had not even started on it yet. So, working on this presentation was on my daily to do list. It had been on my to do list for a couple of days, but I finally got around to starting on it. When you don’t have the motivation to complete a project or maybe even something routine such as house cleaning, it may be time to consider the reasons why you’re not motivated. 

    Try this…try asking yourself what you might be doing right now if you felt motivated. What would you be wearing? What actions might you take to complete this chore or project? Then try actually doing these things to see if you start to feel more motivated. 

      If you’re having challenges with staying motivated, you may have a long list of reasons why you can’t complete a chore or project. But there are always two sides to everyone situation. If you keep thinking that you’ll never complete a task, or you won’t be any good at it anyway, these thoughts will probably keep you from moving forward. How about making a list of the reasons why you’ll complete the job at hand? Sometimes arguing the opposite will help you see both sides. Maybe having a more balanced outlook will help you stay more motivated. For example, right now at home I sometimes struggle with staying motivated to clean house. Or more specifically, to de-clutter my surroundings.I have attempted to compose a list below of the reasons I will begin to de-clutter my home. 

1) by de-cluttering my living space , I’ll be able to locate important paperwork more easily 

2) also by de-cluttering it should lessen my anxiety 

3) Having a more orderly environment may encourage me to invite others over to visit more often.

4) a more orderly living space may allow me more time for other activities in my life. 

Self-compassion 

Some of us might think that being hard on ourselves will get us motivated. Actually that’s not usually true. Having a little more self-compassion can actually be more

Self-compassion is not the same thing as self-esteem. Try to think of it more as a way of being, or how you might treat yourself. Having self-compassion is treating yourself just as you would treat a friend or family when they make a mistake.  When we try and use a little self-kindness, if you fail to complete a task on your list, instead of thinking “ poor me”, realize that everyone fails at something every once in awhile. You are not alone in

Try the 10 minute rule… If there’s something that you really dread doing ( for me it’s cleaning the house) This is when you would give yourself permission to quit the task you’re doing after 10 minutes if you’re just not feeling motivated. Just not feeling it that day. And then the next day maybe try increasing it to the 15 minute rule? Eventually see if you can start to increase the amount of time you are spending on the job at hand. This can apply to anything you’re doing…working out, de-cluttering, cleaning, or maybe even mowing the

     Holding yourself Accountable….. Probably the single most important thing that helps to keep me stay motivated is to somehow hold myself accountable. If I know that there is something I really want or need to accomplish, I will usually let at least one person know what it is that I want to accomplish. ( even better if you share your goal with two people) For myself, I will usually tell either my Mom or my Sister or therapist or one of my best friends. Say for example I decide that I want to take up singing lessons. I will casually mention this while talking with my Mom on the phone. And let’s say that a month goes by, and I still don’t take the initiative to start singing lessons. I guarantee you that it will come up again in conversation, and that will most likely motivate me to start taking those singing lessons! Even though someone else is helping and encouraging you to complete a task, it’s still an effective way to stay motivated. Just make sure whoever you share your goal with is persistent, and someone who just won’t take no for an

     Maybe try rewarding yourself… If you have a chore you need to complete, but can’t seem to stay motivated, try rewarding yourself. Sort of similar to when we’re training a puppy, right? For example, while writing this presentation, I did stop a couple of times and fixed myself a nice cup of coffee. And of course, to grab a piece of chocolate. Those were my rewards while completing my work. Or, you could work for 30 minutes, and then check your messages or social media. Finally when you complete your project or chore, be sure to make time and allow yourself to go out with friends later in the day. This is important, as this a great way to make sure you’re not isolating and spending too much time at home. 

      And finally, If you are someone who struggles with motivation, remember that everyone will have different ways of motivating themselves. There truly is no wright or wrong way. Try not to be too self-critical or hard on yourself. Try different things that work for you, and remember to ask for help if you need it.

This past Thursday, Don shared with us his presentation entitled “ Groundhog Day” 

Don opened his presentation with the song “ I Got You Babe”, Sonny and Cher’s famous hit that was also featured in the movie “ Groundhog Day” 

In the movie Bill Murray keeps reliving his day over and over again. At first he gets mad and depressed, as he is stuck in the same rut every day and nothing he does gets him out of it. Does this sound familiar to any of you?  How many of you are stuck in your own version of Groundhog Day? 

Don shared with us that for him there are three steps…put it in your past, Forgive and Decide.

He also stated that we are composed of three selves. He recommended starting by working with our past self.

1) our past selves…

Don shared with us that one of the most effective ways to start is by writing a letter to your past self.  For this you should start out by choosing a time that you did or didn’t do something, and by making that decision the course of your life went in a negative way. 

Now the hard part…do one of two things with your letter.  Either rip up the letter, or hide it away somewhere and do not look at the letter again.  Think of this as a cleansing.  This will take you one step closer to moving on to February 3rd.

2) Our Present self…..this is where we need to forgive.  Not others, but ourselves.  Some of us are stuck in our own Groundhog Day loop, because we can’t forgive ourselves for something we did.  Is it possible that these good choices were only proven bad through the lens of time? 

Don shared with us a simple example. 

We decide we need groceries and we head to the store. Something we do all the time and a great decision, right?  But this one time, on the way to the store a drunk driver runs into our car.  Something that is random and unpredictable. Most of us will probably start to question ourselves, what if I had stopped for coffee first on the way?  We start to blame ourselves and beat ourselves up over it.  Let’s face it, we do not know the future. We are more like TV weather people who think we know what will happen tomorrow. But we don’t. 

Don shared that every so often in our group we talk about finding and being our authentic selves.  But what about our past selves?  Could that self of the past be a different authentic self to the one that is here today, our present self?  For most of us that would be true. 

Are you the same person you were 10 years ago?  Most likely not. Our wants, needs and values change over time.  If you’re beating yourself up over a decision that you made in the past, do you think maybe your past self was making the best decision for you at that time?  Maybe our current self should quit beating up our past self and move on.  The past is the past and we can’t change it.  We need to learn from it and move on.  It’s time to flip that calendar to February 3rd. 

3) Our Future selves…..so how do you get to tomorrow?  What does February 3rd look like?  What do you really want out of life?  Stepping out the door into tomorrow can sometimes be scary.  You can promise yourself to continue to come to group looking for a better life. Continue to try and envision your future self. We have no control of how many tomorrows we may have.  We begin to realize that if we don’t go for our dreams today, we may not have all the tomorrows we need to get where we want to be. 

Tell yourself “Today is the day”  Today has to be the day. Tell yourself today is the day to move towards your future self.  Be brave, and try not to waste a minute , because there is no greater treasure than time. And wasting it by being stuck in your present self rather than trying to get where you want to be us nit acceptable for any of us.  The story of your life is much bigger than you think.  Be brave!

On Thursday January 25th, we were treated to Haley’s newest presentation entitled “ Five Stages of Diagnostic Grief “

Haley began by sharing when most of us think of grief, we think of the loss of a loved one.  However, her therapist shared with her that when you get diagnosed, there are five stages of grief.

The five stages of Diagnostic Grief are, Denial, Anger, Bargaining, depression, and Acceptance.

1) Denial….in this state, you can’t believe what’s happening to you.  Denying it will give you more time to process.  The Denial state is a common defense mechanism, and helps numb the intensity of the situation. 

Ways to cope…..do research with others or even with doctors. Come to support groups, such as DBSA.

2) Anger…..this is a masking effect, hiding your emotions. This can be a confusing stage. You may have outbursts of anger on friends, family or co-workers.  You may begin to question your morals or the people in your life. 

Ways to cope… writing things down, listen to music, or even take a cold shower to reset your brain.  Maybe even call others to talk about it.

3). Bargaining…..during this stage, you may feel vulnerable and helpless. During these intense emotions, it’s not uncommon to look for ways to regain control, or you may want to feel like you can affect the outcome of an event.  During this stage you may find yourself creating “ what if “ and “what only “ statements.  Anxiety can be at it’s highest during this state.

Ways to cope…try to focus only on what you can control. Stay mindful and in the moment.

4) Depression…..this is the quiet stage.  You may start isolating yourself.  In this stage you may feel very alone, and you’re not sure who you are anymore or what may come next.  

Ways to cope…get some help.  Come to group, see your doctor or therapist. Use the things you have learned at group to cope. 

5) Acceptance….this is not necessarily a happy or uplifting stage. But it can be a rewarding stage. This stage doesn’t mean you’ve moved past the grief of your diagnosis. However it does mean that you’ve accepted it and have come to understand what it means in your life now. Look at acceptance as there may be more good days than bad now. It takes a lot to get to this stage, but when you do it feels like you can breathe again. 

Haley shared that it is possible to fluctuate between these stages.  These things do take time, but remember to take your time and learn to rely on the help of others.  

On Thursday January 4th, we were treated to Carolyn’s newest presentation entitled “ Why can’t every day be Friday? “

Carolyn shared that usually when she asks someone how they’re doing, usually they will come back with some sort of response such as “ well I’m here”.  So, why is it when Friday comes around we are so excited?  Personally, I get excited because I normally don’t work on the weekends, and I look forward to the break. 

But Carolyn said that everyday can be a Friday.  When you wake up in the morning, you can choose your mood for the day. As Carolyn quoted Abe Lincoln  “ Most people are as happy as they decide to be “ 

So, learn to give yourself permission to be happy Every Day!  Tell yourself how you feel when you wake up. 

Learn to rearrange your mind every day, as how you decide to live your life is up to you.  Truly with the right mindset, you should be happy to have a job. You can make your mind up to enjoy your day. And an important thing to remember is once a day is gone, you can never get it back. 

When you encounter a challenging situation, try to remember that how we feel can account for about 10 percent of what happened, but is 90 percent of how we respond to the situation. 

If someone makes you angry, try and remember to quit giving your power away. When you allow what someone says to upset you, you’re allowing them to control you. 

Carolyn shared with us an analogy which I truly love.  Some people are like garbage trucks. They run around full of anger and disappointment, and they are just looking forward to having someone to dump on. 

If you’re feeling unhappy, try and figure out what is stealing your joy.  Remember when you have a cheerful attitude, your body shows it. And if you continue to smile, you’ll get well quicker. 

Maybe even try the old adage “ fake it till you make it “   If you find yourself in a negative environment , try and remember you may be surrounded by a bunch of weeds, but it doesn’t mean that you can’t bloom!  Choose to bloom and have a good attitude.  Do some reading, or maybe take some additional training. Or try and find a hobby you don’t have to pay for.  You can even play cards or board games with family or friends. Remember if you have friends and family you are truly rich. Being grateful is the key to happiness. Learn to enjoy each day, and slow down and enjoy the journey!

On Thursday December 14th, We had just a bit different sort of first hour. 

Before our meeting, Don had written down four different “ Holiday Situations “ 

At this meeting, we also had four different guest teddy bears in attendance, each of whom were holding the different Holiday situations. 

These different situations were all situations that you might encounter during the upcoming Holiday season. Don shared with us that he himself had encountered each of these four situations during the Holidays. One notable difference tonight was that these different situations were seen through the eyes of the teddy bear, who was also a resident of the home.

I facilitated one of these breakout groups.  The person in our make believe  situation had the name of Tina.  Tina’s father had just passed away the previous Christmas Eve and Tina was still processing this loss. Christmas had lost the magic it once had when her father was still around.  What would normally be a highlight of Tina’s year, was now nothing more than a painful memory. 

Tina’s teddy bear reached out and asked, what can be done to help Tina return her Holidays to the happy times they always were? 

Our group shared that everyone processes grief differently. It’s alright to grieve the loss of someone. And grieving is nothing to be ashamed of. 

Or maybe the bear could suggest to Tina different ways to honor her Dad. Maybe Tina could place an ornament on the tree in his name. 

Or maybe Tina and her family could visit her Father’s grave as a yearly tradition during the Holiday season. And Tina can always continue to talk to her teddy bear, as the bear was a gift from her Father. 

The situation we had in our group reminded me of how important it is to be grateful for my family and friends. Not only during this time of year, but every day throughout the year.  

 On Thursday December 7th,  we were treated to Steve’s latest presentation entitled “ Trusting Your Intuition “ This presentation was worth taking a look at again this year, as I have learned to trust my intuition even more over this past year. Do you ever wonder if following your instinct is the best way forward? But maybe you’re not sure you should trust that instinct?  I happen to think that following your intuition can be the best choice in certain situations. 

Or how about gut feelings?  What are gut feelings?  

A few signs of gut feelings are:

1) tension in your body 

2) goosebumps 

3) a sinking sensation in your stomach 

4) sweaty palms or feet 

5) a feeling of peace after making a hard decision 

You can look at intuition as being based on your own awareness of a certain situation. This could explain why you feel being pulled in a certain direction.

Intuition can also be an awareness about something you just can’t explain.

The Greatest Betrayal?  

Something I ran across the other day which might give you something to think about.  If you don’t usually trust your intuition, you may actually be betraying yourself.  If you’re not trusting your own intuition when it comes to making life decisions for yourself, you may only be setting yourself up for unnecessary discomfort in your life. Try and remember this the next time you’re making an important decision. 

Gut feelings ( Intuition) vs. Anxiety 

There are some differences between having gut feelings about something, versus anxiety.

Gut feelings…usually lead you more clearly. These feelings will usually come up in certain situations or maybe even about certain people in your life.

Anxiety…usually will focus on the future, and will be less clear. And you might find yourself worrying about all kinds of concerns, and usually things you can’t control.

Gut feelings…..will normally pass once you’ve made that tough decision, and you will feel more calm about it.

Anxiety…..lingers and may make you feel like you’re on constant alert. You may resolve one concern, and then start worrying about something else.

There are important decisions and times when you should trust your intuition:

1) If something feels wrong in your body. If you have a gut feeling about your body that something is wrong, listen to it.  Maybe go get a physical exam just to be sure.

2) You feel that you’re in danger.  Remember that your gut instincts will reveal what your subconscious already knows. 

3) This is it!  ….when you run across that certain someone, or even when making an important decision, like buying a house.  Try listening to your intuition.  These are probably great reasons why you should listen to your intuition, as these are decisions that may improve your life. 

On Thursday November 16th, we were treated to Miriam’s latest presentation entitled “ Holiday Blues “  was a very timely presentation, as the upcoming Holiday approaches. 

Miriam shared that many of us may have mixed feelings about the upcoming  Holidays.  She also shared she is planning to enjoy herself during the Holidays. 

We might want to try and keep things simple during the Holidays. Think about maybe what your family needs during this time, but remember that may not be what you need. Remember what you want does matter! 

Also try and avoid situations that may trigger you. If you know of a particular person who you don’t get along with, try and hang out with others who you enjoy being around.  If there is truly something that you don’t want to take part in, try to learn to say no to those requests. Remember to try and create memories and start new traditions during the Holidays that are important to you. 

Maybe even change how you look at the Holidays, and decide that you are going to enjoy the Holidays. Remember that others you are with might have a messy life as well!  Try to learn to expect more realistic things about others. 

During this time if you are feeling unhappy about a situation, try to name it and own it.  Sometimes if you just name the emotion, and being self-aware about it will help. 

Also learn to pause and recognize your strengths before you remind yourself of what you’re NOT doing! Maybe you know of a friend who needs help making Christmas special for their kids?  Try and do something for others.  Something little that you do might mean a lot to others. And being kind to others actually increases serotonin and dopamine!  A great benefit!

During the Holidays, remember to invest in your own self-care.  Learn to feel the feels, whether they are good or bad.  Be sure and set healthy boundaries with others, and say no if you need to. 

And remember the reason we are celebrating. When you are wrapping gifts this season, remember you GET to wrap presents for others. Or maybe instead of sending gifts to others, send them peace instead?  Maybe we can be the light for others, and bring them hope and love. 

On Thursday November 9th,  we were treated to Don’s latest presentation entitled “ Gratitude “

Thanksgiving is a great tradition and a great time of the year to remember all the things we are greatful for. It is so easy, in our very busy lives to forget about all we do have. When it comes to gratitude, being grateful can have a calming effect on us. Showing gratitude can also be about the forgiveness of others and evaluating what’s truly important in life.

First we talked about the big items we are greatful for. Family, close friends, good health, grateful to have a job, and grateful for the roles we play in the community were some of the topics we discussed. 

In the smaller picture, there might be little tiny details in life that you are grateful for. These are the things we normally take for greanted, so it is important to take time out and give them credit.

Don shared with us some of the smaller things in life he is grateful for. Such as; good hair days, bacon, toilet paper, fortune cookies, cat videos, indoor plumbing, GPS, auto-save on your computer, chap-stick, or even getting everyone to smile in a family photo. And then there is hitting all of the green lights while driving, and of course nap time! 

And when it comes to Thanksgiving, there is so much to be thankful for.  Such as spending the holiday with family or seeing old friends again. Having a good meal and sitting on the comfy couch afterwards. 

We closed with talking about this group. After many members shared their positive experiences, Don shared he is also grateful for each of us here at group each week, and hopes that he can be, even in a small way, can be a positive influence in their lives.

So, what are you grateful for?